Recently, the kids have told me some of the things he calls them and says to them and it … 2018-11-14 23:23:47 14-year-old LAOP doesn't want to see father and would like some legal recourse. Geez. I hear the kids talk about their own experiences with those behaviors now, and it’s unfortunate. No one can tell you how a judge will rule, not even a local attorney. Anyone with knowledge of how these issues are dealt with in your jurisdiction can tell you whether it’s worth the effort or not. If you really read what was written, or could truly take it in, you would not have seen fathers being attacked, but instead what was the cry’s from children who are suffering and a loving parent (which yes was a mother this time) who was doing her best to try and find a middle ground that did not isolate the kids from their father despite the fact that he sounds like a narcissist who loves to gas light anyone who shines light on his flaws, including his own children. But most of her issues were from when her father used to hide his phones so our youngest two kids couldn’t contact me. I pray he will find some clarity and work on being a dad the kids can believe in and enjoy. Young children in particular tend to see their parents as idols and to lose contact suddenly with one can make them feel they’ve done something wrong. I wish the relationship between their father and them was better. They would be so much better off if their father could find a way to attract them into his life instead of forcing them. All rights reserved. Now my 15 year old doesn’t want to go at all, but with him being in law enforcement he says that he will have me arrested and the state Missouri, it seems to be forceable until the kids are 18 – Equal and meaningful – even if it is horrible meaningful, which is terrible for these children. He’s supposed to go every other weekend during the school year (he went less on his mom’s direction) – it’s the every other week in the summer which is causing the significant stress. She threw a phone at me and would cry hysterically all the way to his house. Recently my ex told this child, now 12, that he would sue me if she didn’t get into his car. During the marriage, their father hadn’t been involved in parenting to any significant degree. Content originally produced for What Next? Christy Cox is a mom to four children and a few pets. These children have never behaved like this. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' When he actually decides to text or call them they ignore him. A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. I live in Missouri and her father lives in Georgia so the agreement we have worked out right now is that he takes her for one week every month. then it got bit by bit better …. She was growing more uncomfortable around him. Well, it has been anything but. This means that responses such as "you must go", or "mummy/daddy will be upset if you don’t go", or "your mum/dad will have a go at me", as well as the use of bribery or threats, can be unhelpful. I’m just not sure what to do. Relate charity number: 207314, Company number: 394221 (Registered in England and Wales) Relate address: Premier House, Carolina Court, Lakeside, Doncaster, DN4 5RA. Children are Soon to be 14 & 16. One would think as an adult that if you wanted to have a conversation with your children you would call them.. My whole family and I constantly tell the kids that they are to never feel guilty or conflicted about visiting him for any reason. If you stop forcing them to go for the scheduled visits, can’t you as the mother, get into trouble for that? Reading your article, he sounds so much like my ex husband. His behavior was always incredibly toxic during our marriage. My daughter has been through hell and tried to cope, but at 16 refused to go to visitation. What did the therapist say? Please, please listen to your kids. The court looks at 16 factors in determining custody, and one of them happens to be the preference of … The world is full of many things that can cause a child to grow into a man or woman that is cable of the subtle abuse that is happening in this story, the kind of abuse that is often over looked and ignored by the courts. What might you think or feel? Their mother has primary custody – yet I have had our daughters 95% of the time since March 2020. My poor son (8 years old) cries and cries. Our first-born had been avoiding him for a while, and now the 11-year-old had started to grow distraught and nervous around his dad. I wonder it you could negotiate a change in the visits with the father, since, from your description, he doesn't seem particularly interested in your child. Once the divorce started and the older kids found out they were expected to stay with him for days at a time, they panicked. I’m at this site tonight because this is our situation, too. Please consider making a just a small donation. She is now trying to force him to go. I am currently experiencing this same exact scenario. But I learned the hard way–forcing children to engage in a toxic relationship is a bad idea. The court looks at 16 factors in determining custody, and one of them happens to be the preference of … at first i tried to make it seem like a good thing , I would give my son pep talks about how great and fun it was going to be, and every Friday night , I would have a hysterical 5 1/2 year old plopped on my doorstep , not being able to do one night , and my ex would be furious , angry and thinking its my fault …. The legal system needs to listen to them! (ADHD, or not) I actually have two answers - one for you and one for him. It is very chalke ging yo get them to their visits and we are frequently late because they just drag themselves through the process of getting there. Us parents that go through this type of situation do not enjoy it and wish our kids would have great a relationship with the other parent because watching your kids hurt and feeling unsafe is extremely difficult. until around the age of 11 , he started making excuses ( my son ) of not wanting to go , that he was going to have friends over and so he didnt want to go to his dads etc , he would say the same thing to his dad , and most times , it was just a made up excuse and he would end up cuddling with me on the couch later that night watching a movie …. I still believe that’s beyond what the courts would want… to damage the kids further by threatening and trying to physically force them at this age. I have been divorced for 9 years now and ever since I can remember both my kids 9(know 14 and 12) have not wanted to go with their dad for weekends. How Is Visitation Dealt With In Your State? However, father is very interested in visitation as it may lower his child support. There seems to be a trend with our four children. NO CHILD!! 2018-11-15 06:46:54 Question of discrimination in hiring. I have encouraged, cajoled, and tried to reassure them as best as I can. They are too afraid of their father to tell him they don’t want to visit. I do stress needs here not wants, and it is a parents job to help discern the difference between needs and wants, as children cannot always do so. If she is agreeable all you would need to do is have an attorney draw up a new agreement and file it with the court. He is extremely controlling and mentally abusive (more towards my daughter 14). Vise versa. To the courts, it is comparable to your child saying she doesn’t want to go to school anymore, she’d rather stay home and play videogames or whatever. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. If your child’s resistance to going to their other parent's home is a one-off, it probably isn’t that important. Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. If they’re not in therapy get them in therapy. However, they are expected to treat her and her little boy as family when she lives there. Should be easy, right? I do remember how horrified she was by her father’s behavior after I asked him to take her to all-day soccer tournaments. I love it! But my son gets stressed out … A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. My son does not want to visit his father. Mine for example told me to quit apologizing for him when he would say hateful, mean things to them….because it was not my fault. Any separation or divorce involving children will result in a custody order and visitation schedule. Because your daughter is now 14 years old, she may be able to explain to the court what she wants, and why she doesn't want to go to her father's house. Can anyone offer up some advice on handling this? But I think it's important that he does. My kids are getting ready to see their father for spring break. It is very unfortunate, my children are also dealing with a behaviorally toxic father, he was like that when we were married, which is one of the main reasons we are divorced. What Do You Do When Your Ex Requests Less Parenting Time? There may be lots of reasons why you don’t want your children to stay with their other parent. The father should be making plans with the children often asking how they are every few days or every day if they are older with cell phones or asking the mother how the younger children are. I have action changed my approach with the girls recently. That said, I wouldn’t change my experience for anything. I read a comment above that put blame on the parents for not supporting a relationship with the other parent. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. He can be forced to go with her…and I mean forced by the police and you don’t want that for him. We had to leave for a reason! Fathers are not second class citizens here they are equal parents to their kids. What hope do we have as single moms fighting to protect our children?! My 13yo does not want to visit her dad. If that had happened then or were to happen now, the kids would never forgive him. Manipulation by the Child– Some children don’t want to visit the other parent because the child has other things they’d rather do (such as go visit a friend in the neighborhood) or things they wish to avoid (chores at the other parent’s home). I worked as a guardian ad litem for 5 years. At first the children coped well, but now that Sarah is eight it’s becoming more and more difficult to encourage her to go to her dad's at weekends. What did they like the most about that visit? The kids have very lasting, deep resentment toward him when they’re forced to visit. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.' Thinking about what’s best for your children and trying to set aside feelings about your ex can be tricky. He has explained to his dad that he doesn't see him when he is there to visit. They aren’t estranged from me because of anything their mother did. It has gotten progressively worse but I have ALWAYS made them go. First, let me tell you, I am NOT a lawyer and I cannot give you legal advice. Thankfully the kids have seen many examples of sincerity from my whole family. Children express resistance to staying with their other parent in different ways. Their relationship was completely toxic. It can help to think through carefully how best you approach the subject, and when. I am in the same boat. And the children had never wanted spent large amounts of time with him. Molly – I’m not sure what you are reading, but my ex and I are both remarried. However, our youngest child is 8 and she has a fairly good relationship with her dad. Anytime I can make things smoother for my ex without stepping on his toes, I do. First (and most importantly) for you: Unhook from the need to force him to do anything - especially "finishing" high school. Keep visits short and surroundings familiar - maybe start with a short visit to a familiar relative's home, for example. she hates her father and have mental breakdowns when have to go over there and it breaks my heart. His criticisms and shows of aggression were getting worse, and she felt he was becoming abusive in general. Believe me, I've tried to convince him to do something else, but he wont change it. Older children and teenagers may want to have a say in when and how they see their other parent. It started as journaling through a crazy divorce and grew with a passion for expression and as a way to help others in similar situations. Kids are also required to call him — which makes perfect sense to me (insert sarcasm). Molly, you have obviously been fortunate enough to not have been in or be in an toxic relationship. The last time he filed contempt, he asked for me to be incarcerated. It is awful. “You don’t know what it’s like to spend time with him or tell him something he doesn’t want to hear! Something is happening at their fathers house. Threatening your teen with punishment or restricting his freedom will likely hurt more than it will help. Would love to know the outcome of this! And back to court I go. For the first time, I noticed he was experiencing problems with school and starting to put on weight. Part of me hoped that he would straighten up, but he has gotten worse as time goes by. However, the Court found that the desire of the child not to visit with the other parent remains subject to review by the Court and determination of what is in the child’s best interest must be made in any other modification or alteration of visitation rights. Daughter says she never wants to talk to him again, but he was an abusive jerk in front of her all the time. My 9yo often doesn’t want to visit her dad. We don’t choose to go through this. Well, it has been anything but. This does not necessarily mean she is consciously trying to alienate them from their father, but failure to nip it in the bud will only aggravate the damage to the children. Sometimes, it’s related to a specific request—the child doesn’t want to, for example, go on vacation with dad and his new girlfriend. She wanted me to know of all the sneaky things she’d seen him do. For those of us that have we can relate all to well to this story. At every family meal, he called her a pig, admonished her and her siblings then moved on to whatever topic disgusted him the most at the moment. It causes so much heartache and stress. Your ex may threaten to have you put in jail but if you have provided a stable loving safe home for the kids you probably don’t have much to worry about. The kids cannot find any appreciation for her personality and they aren’t happy with her parenting them. What changes can you make to address these barriers to your child visiting? Please see, Prevented from spending time with my children, Ask Ammanda: My ex-partner won't let me see my four-year-old son. Maybe you can draw on a similar experience in your own life or someone you know? I made an appointment for a therapist I am hoping we can get to the bottom of it. And how do you except her to nip this in the bud? Thank you for your reply. My son is afraid that if he doesn't go, I'll get in trouble. I can talk with an attorney however, what’s the chance that the court would entertain reducing his custodial time less than it is now? Thanks for your reply, Ella. I don’t know what state you’re in but most states the judge won’t rule in contempt when it’s a teen, especially 17. As a parent, one has a duty to build a relationship with their child. The kids are also pretty upset with the idea of me going back to court. I would love for our children to feel good about going to his house. In cases where parents can’t agree, a judge will decide visitation and custody based on the child’s best interests.Your custody order will designate which parent(s) has legal and physical custody. By investing in support for families, together we can ensure it’s available to everyone who needs it. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. However, unless you have concerns about your children’s safety, both you and your ex have a right to see your children. Talk to an attorney. He made his own bed along with his new wife on how they treated these children that last 4 years during visits. And to the comment of kids trying to please the parent. They complain that there is no food in the house, only junk, and they always eat out in restaurants. To cut a long story short, the psychologist produced an 11 page report outlining why no contact should take place until my son is at least 16 years old (mental/emotional abuse mainly - his bio father was more concerned with his hatred of me than having a relationship with his son). Jill writes: Please give me some help and advice.My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit with her father. Sometimes children worry about the parent they're leaving behind. After the Affair: How to build trust and love again, Dealing with children's feelings and behaviour, By submitting your details, you are confirming you consent to our processing of your personal data. I assume it’s too much of a change for them to visit her in the trailer environment, but I still encourage them to do so. Try to identify what is at the root of your child’s resistance. Though this maybe wrong, but I believe at 14yrs the courts would be considering his views on contact and custody at any rate. ... Thursday, 14 November 2019 10 Tips on Preparing For Trial For Your Ohio Divorce Case. In that situation, a parent likely should have stayed in control and made the visit happen. They have never been close. She’s had spells where she just doesn’t want to visit him. I am glad I came across this site and read so many other parents facing the same exact situation I am going through with my two kids. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. It seems more likely that the children are rejecting Dad in an attempt to please Mom. My son's father and I separated (moved to different locations) in Dec 2009 (still married) it is now April 2011 (still married, however living in different locations for over a year). Your child needs to feel that they're listened to and their concerns are understood. I constantly try everything I can to keep his father in a positive light. Now, rolling into summer, she is supposed to have him every other week – my son is sick with the idea of having to spend a week at her house – it is non stop screaming and yelling. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. It is also our job to listen and guide our children through these situation and NONE of it is easy or done with malice or jealousy. Offer special objects or mementoes, such as a photo, cuddly toy or favourite game, that they can take with them. If mom is encouraging the visits, why would the children try and please mom? He is a police office and has relatives in the court house, and that is the only reason I can see that he would have won – which is so ethically wrong. I wonder if you can help me with a problem I am having with my four-year-old daughter. Before you and he both end up in a more conflicted situation, get yourself an attorney. But I will not force them. (I HAVE physically forced children into his car up to the age of 9 or 10, but it’s awful.). Custody orders have the force of law, and they are binding on the PARENTS; if the court’s orders are not followed as written, it is the PARENTS who are in contempt. I have 3 daughters (11 – 13 – 15). Other times, it’s more of a general statement. The kids are never sure what to expect when they arrive at their dad’s. If they want to visit they do. It would be so much easier if the other parent could put the children’s feelings first instead of being forced. Wheeler, 253 GA 649 (1984) found that a child aged 14 and older has the right to choose not to visit the non-custodial parent. Maybe you don’t think your ex’s new home is suitable. What To Do When Your Kid Doesn’t Want To Go To Dad’s House, How To Deal With Handover After Weekend Visitation. One of our kids has very recently reported that their dad has said he knows he needs to do better (behaviorally). I do agree, Fathers are important in a child’s life, but they can be just as detremental if he is a toxic individual. I had to explain to the courts that I wasn’t comfortable threatening them or physically forcing them into their father’s car who could possibly be drinking or, in a mood and ready to take it out on them the moment they were in the car. My first impulse is to encourage the girls to see their mother (suggested hotel room options, etc.). What do you think is behind their reluctance to visit? Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. Children know who makes them feel loved and cherished and who doesn’t. 'After a few hours of staying at mine, my son says he wants to go home and doesn’t want to stay overnight.'. I have three children —8, 12 and 14. Your children have a right to see both their parents too. During the divorce, our second child started refusing visits with his father also. Whatever lies behind your child’s resistance – and the possible reasons are numerous – it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to make changes to your established routine. He has already threatened me , in front of the kids, with Child Protective Services, and called the local police station. My son is refusing to go with his Mother because of her anger management issues, emotional abuse, and toxic environment at her house. After the divorce ended, I was able to talk the middle two children into giving their father a chance. Recently, their mother moved into a travel trailer in a casino parking lot, and our daughters (minus the 11 yr old) refuse to visit her. What can your child suggest that would make a good visit? But with time, they’re growing more upset. Hopefully this adds a little clarity. Note, however, a child’s choice between the ages of 11-14 of which parent they want to live with is not controlling. I have the exact ex husband as Christy (the writer) has. Now, three years later, the third child is refusing many visits. It may be your child has specific needs, such as a particular food preferences only met in one parental home, or they may be trying to avoid something, such as homework, music practice or showering that is expected in one home. These are THEIR feelings, and to try to ‘nip them’ and make them visit their dad will only hinder them. QLD 14 year old son doesn't want to see dad. She said her girlfriends were having a slumber party, and she didn't want to miss it. She had lost the ability to respect him and she couldn’t remember even liking him. So, now the oldest doesn’t want to go at all – at a loss of what to do and feel so helpless to help her. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. The 42-year-old leader has the resident doctor of the Elysee Palace presidential residence by his bedside after becoming infected and being hit by a fever. It’s not uncommon for couples to separate because of their very different ideas of what it is to be a parent, so it’s not surprising if you have concerns. During the school year, he is supposed to go over to her house every other weekend and only one weekend for the entire nine months did she actually spend her whole weekend with him – most of her weekends she just utilized parts of the weekend. I think this negative rejection is usually at its worst at the age of 13 or 14 (coinciding with the extra pressures of starting secondary). And since the ex has WAY more money than I do he can take our son out for all sorts of things that I can’t afford. Fathers are very important in a child’s life, you talk nice about their dads to them, you prepare them for visitation with their dads, do not mass text your kids when they are there with their dads and get a life of your own so when the kids are visiting their dads you are out with friends or a date for God’s sake. 14 year olds should have a say in their custody arrangements, definitely speak to a lawyer and tell your daughter if she really doesn't want to visit her mum then she needs to make her opinion clear to a judge. I am now addressing the elephant in the room. A casual conversation is often best. God help me. Back during that time, my husband responded by filing contempt charges against me. He tolerates their relationship. Absolutely DO NOT force your children to visit your ex if they don’t want to. My younger child (now 14) HATEs seeing his father but isn’t willing to put up the fight. ALSO, I do not mass text my children when they are at their fathers house; however, he texts them constantly when they are at my house and I do not say anything. He is extremely controlling and mentally abusive (more towards my daughter 14). I separated from her father 18 months ago. I have decided I will not physically force them to visit. Not sure what will happen. For example: “My child doesn’t have a very good relationship with her father, and she doesn’t want to … I’ve worked in the field of divorce for 14 years. MEGHAN Markle and Price Harry have become a 'cash-in couple' with big brands throwing dosh at the pair - and they're only set to make even more. Alienating his own bed along with his requests for changing the schedule,,. 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